We’re nearing St. Patrick’s Day, a time for parades, corned beef and cabbage, the wearin o’ the green, the wearin’ o’ the shamrock deely-bobbers, and the ritual singing of “Danny Boy.”
It is this last custom that gives me pause, dear reader. It would be one thing if the versions we heard were performed by the likes of Celtic Woman, the Irish Tenors, Daniel O’Donnell, or even Elvis Presley. And yet I say no. Nay, even.
Typically, “Danny Boy” is painfully performed by someone who has no business singing anything at all, much less a song with a high note that most of them are capable of reaching only if kicked, at precisely the right moment, in the private parts.
Amateur singers of “Danny Boy,” an otherwise nice little ditty, are likewise driven to new and terrifying heights of emotion. The shedding of tears is not unusual—for the singer, certainly, but perhaps especially for the listener.
Living in dread of this excruciating annual custom made me think about potential alternatives to “Danny Boy” that at the very least would be less of a bummer. I have also provided the beginnings of what the storyline might be behind each one. You can make up your lyrics.
Please don’t sing them anywhere near me.
Here from the home office in Horseleap, County Offaly, the official irishphiladelphia.com Top 10 New Alternatives to “Danny Boy”:
- Uncanny Boy. Watson’s little-known pet name for Holmes.
- Boy Danny. A pop artist of the late ’80s New Romantic period, best known for his hit, “Kilkenny Chameleon.”
- Danny Toy. Demi Moore’s latest husband.
- Branny Boy. He’s just a regular guy.
- Manny Boy. Who, with his brothers Moe Boy and Jack Boy, runs a chain of auto parts stores.
- Danny Boy Schmanny Boy. Someone who obviously doesn’t take our boy Danny very seriously.
- Tanny Boy. George Hamilton. Or John Boehner.
- Sappy Boy. Michael Boulton.
- Teriyaki Boy. Where we’re going to eat after we’re done with this insanity.
- Def Sugar D Danny Wack. Otherwise known as Rapmaster Skibbereen. (See below.)
