A New York bar owner made headlines (and not a few enemies) recently when he banned the singing of “Danny Boy” in his midtown boozerie during the month of March.
Nothing against “Danny Boy,” Shaun Casey, owner of Foley’s, told ABC News. It’s just that a.) in March, everyone wants to sing it, and b.) they do it very, very badly. Karaoke nights, in particular, can be a real drag, Clancy said.
“Everybody thinks—whatever race, creed or color—that after three pints of Guinness, you’re entitled to get up there and butcher the song,” Clancy said.
With St. Patrick’s Day just around the corner, of course, that can mean only one thing. It means that you probably won’t have to wait for someone to die to hear someone sing “Danny Boy.” In fact, during the month of March, genuine scientific studies prove that the average Irish person in a pub suffers through a painful rendition of “Danny Boy” precisely every 7 minutes and 23 seconds.
In the interest of Total “Danny Boy” Preparedness (TDPP), we now respectfully offer you, from the home office in Horseleap, County Offaly, the official Irish Philadelphia Top 10 Things Not to Do During the Singing of “Danny Boy”:
- Offer to perform the Heimlich maneuver on the singer. (He’s not choking on a live barn owl; it only sounds that way.)
- Suck helium and harmonize in a chipmunk voice.
- Dance the Hora.
- Clap on the downbeat.
- Clap on the upbeat.
- Pretend to sing the song in reverse, slowly and in a deep voice, and at the end drone, “Paul is dead. I buried Paul.”
- Bay like a beagle with a bellyache.
- Threaten the singer in a way that demonstrates pride in your Irish heritage, but at the same time cements your reputation as a gangsta: “Stop that racket or I’ll be after beating you with me shillelegh, fo’ shizzle dizzle!”
- When he hits the high note, throw your panties onto the stage. (Optional for gentlemen.)
- Yell, “One more time!!!!”
